The thing is this though: I feel so much better now most of the time and my PTSD symptoms are mostly in remission. I’m not suicidal all the time. And these demonic/spiritual attacks some days is a mild annoyance in comparison. It really feels like they just realize that my soul has been cleansed and there is room for them to get on board now if I don’t recognize them and push back.
The thing is this though: I feel so much better now most of the time and my PTSD symptoms are mostly in remission. I’m not suicidal all the time. And these demonic/spiritual attacks some days is a mild annoyance in comparison. It really feels like they just realize that my soul has been cleansed and there is room for them to get on board now if I don’t recognize them and push back.
'This “possession” seemed a little different, though. Most notably, for some reason I was stuttering wildly as I tried to talk—a problem I’ve never had. It seemed like this was an expression of a different demon inhabiting me than the ones I’d lived with for years.
I still had to get through the day, though, and for whatever reason, more article assignments were coming in faster than usual. I didn’t have time right now to spend hours engaging in ceremonial magick again, especially doing something that would leave me exhausted.
Very worried about me, Sally took Jasmine outside, as a dog regularly demands, saying pointedly that maybe I’d feel better when they came back in. Feeling sick, I could only mutter, “okay."
Then, sitting here at my desk in the living room, where I’m sitting now as I type this, I decided to try something easier than the experience of being tortured to death.
I grabbed my large metal ankh again that I’d use to summon Thoth. This one:
I gripped the ankh tightly, as though on a roller coaster, and I yelled out, “Thoth, I invoke thee! Thoth, I invoke thee! Help me! Free me of this demon!”
And then the giant bird-headed man who towered over me showed up again. He seemed casual, as though this were no big deal: just a minor ailment that he, as the god of medicine, knew how to handle.
And then he did what he had done previously when I invoked him. He reached his beak down and ate both of my eyeballs. This then “opened my third eye” in the middle of my forehead. He then reached his beak down through that and pulled out what seemed like a big worm. He swallowed it like it was nothing and grinned at the opportunity for a midday snack.
I saw this as I had seen all such experiences: in my mind's eye. But I felt a very real rush of relief nevertheless, and returned back to the self I’d been before going out to get those damn library books on Wednesday. In fact, I felt fantastic. By invoking Thoth, I had not only gotten rid of the demon, but now took on his own qualities, myself. I started laughing and rose from my desk to dance around the room, shocked that it had, once again, been so “easy” to cast out a dark force that had tried to get me to kill myself.'
The beginning of this makes it sound like you got possessed by a worse demon, though. What "seemed to be a big worm" was also probably not. Why would Thoth eating it turn you into something more like Thoth? That was probably the kundalini snake or something imo. Disclaimer: I don't cast spells and do ceremonial magick, I just know of a few esoteric ideas.
The thing is this though: I feel so much better now most of the time and my PTSD symptoms are mostly in remission. I’m not suicidal all the time. And these demonic/spiritual attacks some days is a mild annoyance in comparison. It really feels like they just realize that my soul has been cleansed and there is room for them to get on board now if I don’t recognize them and push back.
'This “possession” seemed a little different, though. Most notably, for some reason I was stuttering wildly as I tried to talk—a problem I’ve never had. It seemed like this was an expression of a different demon inhabiting me than the ones I’d lived with for years.
I still had to get through the day, though, and for whatever reason, more article assignments were coming in faster than usual. I didn’t have time right now to spend hours engaging in ceremonial magick again, especially doing something that would leave me exhausted.
Very worried about me, Sally took Jasmine outside, as a dog regularly demands, saying pointedly that maybe I’d feel better when they came back in. Feeling sick, I could only mutter, “okay."
Then, sitting here at my desk in the living room, where I’m sitting now as I type this, I decided to try something easier than the experience of being tortured to death.
I grabbed my large metal ankh again that I’d use to summon Thoth. This one:
I gripped the ankh tightly, as though on a roller coaster, and I yelled out, “Thoth, I invoke thee! Thoth, I invoke thee! Help me! Free me of this demon!”
And then the giant bird-headed man who towered over me showed up again. He seemed casual, as though this were no big deal: just a minor ailment that he, as the god of medicine, knew how to handle.
And then he did what he had done previously when I invoked him. He reached his beak down and ate both of my eyeballs. This then “opened my third eye” in the middle of my forehead. He then reached his beak down through that and pulled out what seemed like a big worm. He swallowed it like it was nothing and grinned at the opportunity for a midday snack.
I saw this as I had seen all such experiences: in my mind's eye. But I felt a very real rush of relief nevertheless, and returned back to the self I’d been before going out to get those damn library books on Wednesday. In fact, I felt fantastic. By invoking Thoth, I had not only gotten rid of the demon, but now took on his own qualities, myself. I started laughing and rose from my desk to dance around the room, shocked that it had, once again, been so “easy” to cast out a dark force that had tried to get me to kill myself.'
The beginning of this makes it sound like you got possessed by a worse demon, though. What "seemed to be a big worm" was also probably not. Why would Thoth eating it turn you into something more like Thoth? That was probably the kundalini snake or something imo. Disclaimer: I don't cast spells and do ceremonial magick, I just know of a few esoteric ideas.