Who Reagan Republicans & Serious Conservatives Should Vote for This Year

The guidance you need, but probably do not want following today's historic humiliation.

May 31, 2024

Dick Cheney grinning as he holds a giant shotgun

To my Dear Friends who Remain in the Republican Party,

You all have my deepest sympathies as I very much understand the agonizing conundrum you now face.

Given that Donald John Trump — the 77-year-old former President and unprotected-sex-with-porn-stars enthusiast — has now received 34 felony convictions for his efforts to hide his humiliating sexual performance with Stormy Daniels — the 45-year-old paranormal-investigating-enthusiast — no Republican or conservative of any sort can now in good conscience vote for him.

If William Jefferson Clinton — the 77-year-old former President and oral-sex-with-22-year-old-intern enthusiast — had passed morally beyond the pale with his unrestrained, adolescent male-level of sexual maturity, then most certainly the brilliant New York City businessman and Academy Award-winning “Home Alone 2” actor must now no longer be available for consideration, either. Right?

So what is a serious Republican who embraces the Ronald Wilson Reagan tradition to do?

What choice could those in the William F. Buckley, Jr. libertarian-conservative-anti-communist-hawk tradition make?

Well, folks, your friendly neighborhood counterculture conservative and psychedelic Zionist has it all figured out. I’m going to share with you who I plan on voting for this year, because my heart is filled with such love for you all:

Dick Cheney-John Bolton ‘24

From Mean Mr. Mustache himself:

“Well, I might as well say it now. I voted for Dick Cheney,” Bolton told CNN’s Kaitlan Collins Wednesday on “The Source,” when asked who he wrote in for president in the 2020 election. “And I’ll vote for Dick Cheney again this November.”
“Because he was a principled Reaganite conservative, and he still is. Age is no longer a factor in American presidential politics, so his age doesn’t disqualify him. And I think you do an immensely better job than either Trump or Biden,” he said.

Yes, I will be writing in Richard Bruce Cheney — the 83-year-old former Vice President and shooting-people-in-the-face enthusiast — as my choice this year, with John Robert Bolton — the 75-year-old former National Security Adviser and Iran-bombing-enthusiast — as his running mate.

(Of course, Cheney would hardly be the only shooting-people-in-the-face enthusiast in this race, I can’t resist noting. My apologies. That’s disgusting. Welcome to America in 2024, if you haven’t noticed yet.)

Some may object, “But Cheney is old! He could die in office!”

Well, yeah. That’s part of the appeal.

Cheney would effectively “Breaking Bad” the presidency. He can do whatever the fuck he wants — fuck with Putin and the mullahs and the Chinese commies and that antisemitic Islamist bastard running Turkey — because he’ll be at peace and ready to go at any time, especially knowing that his pro-freedom policies would continue being carried out to their completion over the next decade. (Bolton would win two elections after serving out the remaining two years of Cheney’s term, thus enabling a decade-long run of recharged Reaganism.)

“The fear of death is the beginning of slavery.” — Robert Anton Wilson

Some of you may object, “But Cheney has no chance of winning! You’re just voting in order to make yourself feel better!”

Well, yeah. And you all insistent on voting Democrat and Republican aren’t?

Never forget that this is how America works today when deciding which geriatric jackass we’re going to install into the most stressful job on the planet:

Unless you live in Nevada, Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, or Georgia - your vote effectively doesn’t count. The state is definitely going to go blue or red, regardless of your individual vote. I’ve seriously never actually voted in a state in which my vote mattered. It looks like most Americans are in the same boat, doesn’t it?

Some of you may object, “But that wouldn’t be true if everybody did that! We all have to vote as if it was our vote that decided the election!”

That’s like a man saying he needs to keep some condoms in his wallet in case he runs into Stormy Daniels at Dollar General and she just can’t resist his overwhelming manhood.

Seriously: grow up.

There is only so much time in the world and so many subjects we can pour our emotions and attention into growing.

My political position at this point is fairly straightforward: I reject the “lesser-of-two-evils” rationalization of the negative partisanship which has come to dominate our political system. You know what just keeps happening when we as a people do this? The politicians just get progressively more evil.

I refuse to play this game anymore. Until the Democrats or the Republicans nominate humans of moral character, then I refuse to support either party.

I hope more of you can join me in the decision many of us made in 2015 when Mean Mr. Mushroom first hijacked the GOP and remade it in his own tacky, gold-plated image.

Tune in to hear who these politicians truly are.

Turn on to feel a life unburdened by political idolatry.

Drop out from giving your time and emotional energy to this endless American embarrassment we mistake for a political culture.