Time to Exit: A Second Open Letter to Dan Bongino
In case you didn't notice, a second "co-deputy" means you've been demoted.
Dear Dan,
I totally understand why you have yet to act on the extraordinarly obvious advice that I provided you in our previous communique: resign from your position as deputy FBI director and pivot into a John Dean historical role, going whistleblower and joining the left-wing opposition which you had previously demonized for a living.
I made the case in simple, self-interested terms, apart from any sort of moral or religious framing, suspecting that could be the only argument that might land with you or others in a similar spot of weighing joining a MAGAxodus.
Today, I do so in a similar vein: my God man, there has never been a "co-deputy" of the FBI as you have just been demoted to now that former Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey has received the position as a "co-deputy" too. For the love of God, oh dear God, get the hell out of there right now before Donald Trump can inflict any further emasculacting humilation upon you. Oh God, it is getting painful to watch.
This is basic professional calculus, that I'm sure you understand: when you are in danger of being fired, it is better to line up some next career plans, get them nailed the fuck down, and then quit in a blaze of glory.
But, I suspect that if you were smart enough to know to do that, you would have already done it, and honestly, really, you would have never gotten yourself into this position to begin with.
How much of a dumbass does someone have to be to accept a job that they clearly are not qualified to do, that they are really only receiving because of their slavish loyalty to The Big Man?
Look in the fucking mirror, my friend, that's how much of a fucking dumbass someone has to be take jobs that only career FBI agents with decades of experience are qualfied to do.
You fucked up. And maybe now at a deep enough level, you know it. You know the Epstein files totally burn The Boss, only cementing the reality of his life of sexual predation even further. How many women can you ignore, Dan? How many until it fucking breaks you?
Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting something like the previous open letter in which I made a friendly, earnest argument which perhaps you might expect?
Well, there's no point at this point, that is now more than clear isn't it?
There is a key flaw embedded in the sort of authoritarian autocracies that you have now helped bring into power and which you have now joined as a foot soldier:
The people appointed into their positions by The Big Man with the Tiny Dick do not receive their jobs because they are qualified to do them. They get them because they know how to follow orders and salivate when the bell rings.
As a result, when strong men like your boss come into power and then want to try and use the levers of federal force to implement their agenda, they bump into a structural problem:
The people they have brought in to do this job don't know how to do it.
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Those who are too stupid to understand the constitution and its innate, structural brilliance which has endured for centuries, are in turn too stupid to know how to tear it apart.
Oh don't get me wrong, you and your boss are certainly trying to desecreate the constitution article by article, but you're like a toddler banging his skull against the wooden beams of his crib. Ultimately you're going to hurt yourself more than this country. But keep crying, bitch. The show is just beginning and we’re loving the hell out of watching you and all of Trump’s other toadies squirm as he squishes you more and more under his heel, demanding further levels of degradation and humilation.
And it's going like this throughout the entire federal government now. Trump was not qualfified to do the job, so he does not know how to appoint the competent people to do the job. He picks people based on how they look on TV, how sycophantic they are, and how they just abstractly make him feel warm inside.
On the one hand, this is a recipe for a disastrous run of the federal government. On the other hand, this limits the level of malevolence and overall destruction.
And perhaps, while you would not frame it in such sinister terms as I have—you see yourself among the saviors—you do get what I'm pointing to, that it's simply an objective fact scratching your skull as you hit harder and harder against this ceiling.
The federal "bureaucracy," the huge mass, thick like iron, dark and black like the bottom of the ocean—is impentrable. You cannot defeat it. This is the work of centuries of American lawyers, the most lethal of the species. That's what the government is, just piles and endless piles of laws and paperwork studded with teath and talons. Trump is not smart enough to push through it all, nor is Stephen Miller, nor was Elon Musk, and certainly you are not either since you are such a monumental dumbass.
This is one of those realizations that many "on the right" and in "the conservative movement" came to realize. William F. Buckley, Jr. certainly did -- attempts to smash down the welfare state or the mass of federal bureacracy are deeply limited in what they can actually accomplish.
What we've seen so far with the Trump administration firings and shutting down of agencies and so forth?
Donald Trump is a wife who moves into a house and decides she wants new drapes, fresh carpet, and a marble counter top.
Only in Trump's case, here's the surface-level redecorating he wants to do:
Dan, an honest, easy question: is this a particularly "manly" thing for Trump to do here?
Spend $200 million on a gold-plated ball room? This is what you would do as president? While there are terrorists out there to slaughter and Marxist regimes to knock over?
The great Trumpian revolution that the MAGA movement has called for and that so many people have sacrificed their careers and relationships and dignity in service of, will more amount to another TV commercial than any structural, permanent change to the government.
I'd like to think that you can realize this, Dan, now that you've seen it from the inside. But I honestly don't think you do at this point. You’re just too much of a dumbass.
Warm Regards,
David Swindle
Obnoxious Death Wizard of the Desert Declaring Darkness and Doom for All Ages to All Dumbasses
P.S. This letter will come across as a high school cotillion compared to my next communique to you, should one remain necessary moving forward. Please, Dan, for the love of God and the sake of the remaining shreds of your manhood: Time to Exit.