The One Thing Liberals Need to Quit Doing During Trump's Second Term

It's just not a good look - and it's definitely not funny.

A donkey and an elephant fighting

Well, it's officially 1:27 PST, which means that later today, Donald Trump will be sworn in for his second term as President of the United States.

If I had to guess, I'd say some of our readers are thrilled and relieved by this fact, others are about to lose their minds, and a few are kind of shrugging as they think, “Man, the US sure is weird."

There's no argument to that: We are weird.

And while I'm not exactly losing my mind (yet?), as a leftie-type person, I'm not exactly going to spend the day celebrating. I don't like Donald Trump, or at least, I don't like this public persona he's using as he slides into politics’ DMs. I think he inspires hate, plays pretty fast and loose with the Constitution, and is the last person a devout Christian should want to elect to the highest office in the land.

But over the last, oh, nine years, I’ve noticed a nasty habit in my fellow liberals: the enthusiastic making up of ever-more-ridiculous "nicknames” for Trump.

My objections to this practice are many and varied.

First, a nickname is supposed to be shorter than the actual name, or at least the same length. There are a few exceptions, but in many cases, these monikers contain multiple words and are usually several letters longer than "Trump” or even "Donald Trump.”

Second, it reeks of trying too hard. In youth speak, it's giving performative #resistance, keyboard-activist efforts that accomplish nothing. You want to oppose Trump? You want to "resist?” Take out your wallet and aim it at the ACLU, RAINN, the Trevor Project, Planned Parenthood, or MoveOn.org.

Third, well, it's just not funny! If you want to make a joke, then, by definition, what you say ought to be funny, right? This isn't.

Paradoxically, the amount of energy put into this particular type of ineffectual undermining makes the person doing it seem like more of a jerk than Trump. And that's no mean feat.

And last? Frankly, it's pathetic behavior. A lot has changed in our country, but I will still defend your right - anyone's right; everyone's right - to disagree with me and elect a leader I don't like.

After all, I am not the main character in the nation's story. I do not get to have it my way, right away, anywhere except Burger King. And neither do you! So, to my mind, constantly looking for opportunities to trot out these ever-cringier nicknames in regular conversation make you seem like a sore loser.

For anyone who is really and truly worried about the future of our democracy, it's incredibly important that we who voted for Harris continue to believe in this concept - others’ right to believe stuff we think is insane, and vice versa. Otherwise, we risk leaning into the very autocracy (or worse) that we think we see emerging from the other side.

Without further ado, here is a list of “nicknames" I have heard people use to refer to Trump. Every goddamn one of them has caused me to feel secondhand embarrassment for whoever said it. And I’ve also developed a nagging certainty that the person who really needed to express themselves in this way is actually, themselves, more pathetic than Donald Trump is:

• Mushroom D*ck - Jesus Harold Christ, I do not want to have to think about Donald Trump’s … gahhh! And I really don't think I'm alone. Now, you go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

• The Mango Messiah - Yes, a lot of people love him, and he has a bad spray tan. If you lived through the early 2000s, you know the spray-tan thing is pretty common. Aren’t we the ones going on and on about body-shaming and how rude and unnecessary bad it is? Let's move on.

• Dolt 45 - You are trying so hard, man. You're trying too hard. You must stop this now. Do less in this space. Just, like, in general.

• Orangean*s - This baffles me. Is it a pun on “Orangina," the drink? I don't know, but if so, it's not funny. I'm not even sure most people know what Orangina is. And again, let's not be prompting people to have to think about that particular part of this person.

• The Orange Sh*t Stain - Like, OK …? I mean, I strongly dislike him, but …??? Did he kill your new puppy?

  Plus, saying these words invokes a terrible idea. I have never seen an orange sh*t stain, but if I did, I'd be more worried about that than about Trump, at least until I’d hightailed it to the doctor.

• Emperor Cheeto - Oh, I get it: He's a head of state with a rather jaundiced skin color, and a Cheeto is also orange! I assume your Netflix stand-up special will be dropping any day now!

• Orange Pus - This is just … What?! This is not funny. In fact, it's not even a thing, and it wouldn't be funny if it were a thing.

  And this is another one where you're invoking something so gross that it effectively cancels out whatever you're saying. I mean, I really don't want to have to think about what if pus (eww) were orange (EWW) just because Trump's name came up.

• Mango Unchained - Okay. *tents hands on a table and looks at you seriously*

  It's not that I didn't snicker: I absolutely did. But … dude. Go apply this energy to something else, please - anything else. I can almost promise that you will be wildly successful in whatever that might be.

So, OK: I don't really have the slightest illusion that my little piece here will make a dent in the amount of brainstorming of new pejorative nicknames for our once and future president by a certain kind of resentful liberal.

But think about saving it for your Reddit group, your group chat, or some other non-public group of people who have actually indicated that they find this stuff funny instead of juvenile, whiny, and just plain gross.

The rest of us may be laughing - but not at Donald Trump.