Some Reflections on the Occasion of My Second Marriage
And considering what it means to grow so old before our time.
Within the hour, Sally Shideler and I will leave for a rare week's vacation in Yosemite, a sort of pre-honeymoon gift from our parents. After we return on Saturday the 21st, then we'll have three weeks before our wedding, on July 12. We're getting married in a field of Joshua trees, Sally's idea.
This is the second marriage for both of us. And this time around, we've both learned from our first marriages and figured out how to make this one different. We both knew early on, as we were considering getting together, what we had to do: ensure that we shared the same moral values and the same goals for what our marriage would be.
We agreed that we wanted to raise a family—a goal that each of our partners had since abandoned. And we methodically discussed back and forth our ideas, religious views, politics, childrearing preferences, and so forth, perpetually seeking that "deal-breaker" issue. Where was the other just too crazy or too morally off-base for us to be compatible? And we couldn't find anything. That doesn't mean that we agree on everything all the time, but simply that the range of our disagreements enables compromise, open-minded exchange, and mutual respect.
And also in part of this decision of choosing to raise a family and sharing moral values, in doing so came the practical plan of how we would go about it. And in that, Sally and I have been aligned since we came together in winter of 2021: We are building God of the Desert Books and working together as writing partners, not only in the running of this company, but also in the co-authoring of books together. We've already started our first novel, a mystery-thriller set here in our own Morongo Basin.
Now, our situation is admittedly much different than most couples. While Sally and I first met and became friends as co-workers in 2008-2009, we did not reconnect and consider a romantic relationship until 2021. Then, when we did so, our exchanges were primarily through text as three time zones divided us. We already knew that we had a physical attraction, so a foundation for a relationship was possible, but we needed to really know if we could build something more substantive on top of that.
And now it's three and a half years later. We've moved out of the RV on the desert property in 29 Palms where we landed in 2022, and in 2023 upgraded to a conventional apartment in Yucca Valley. And we're now at the point with GOTD where we have multiple books published and others in solid stages of production. We've pulled together such a strong team of authors that right now, we don't even really search for new contributors yet. If someone reaches out, then we'll take a look, but we have plenty to keep busy with in our team of authors and our own projects. And, thanks to all our readers, this Substack has grown over the years and the pace is accelerating. We've launched four additional Substacks for our imprints and will have more coming soon for other projects.
And Sally and I have started our family with this little perpetual joy in our lives, our beloved Jasmine:
We don't know how long it will be until we can add some kids to our household, but with Jasmine, we already feel like a family.
I'm 41 years old now. But I don't feel that way. There are two broad and somewhat hidden cultural and technological trends afoot right now for younger Xers, us Xennials, and to a greater extent for the Millennials and Gen-Zers.
People age and mature more slowly now, since medicine is better and life overall is less stressful than it used to be. Here's an experiment to try: Go back and watch TV shows from the 1980s and 1990s. Sally and I have been doing a fair amount of that lately with our “Twin Peaks” viewing.
Look at the actors who are in their mid-30s and compare them to people who are in their mid-40s today. It's stunning. And these are, of course, attractive actors in make-up. And they look old and they act mature. Or take this trend even further back. Go back to how actors looked in films in the 1930s and 1940s. People in their mid-30s looked really old and mature back then. And of course they would be, since life expectancy in America then was under 60, whereas today it's nearing 80.
So even though I'm aged 41, health and maturity-wise, I'm probably more like what 31 was for the Boomer generation.
But while body-wise I probably have a physical form akin to a younger member of previous generations, because of a hidden trend going in the other direction, I feel as though I have a mind that has in many ways amassed more maturity - and more stress.
I keep saying it: I'm only 41, but mentally, I feel like I'm 81.
(Editor's Note: Oh, for pity's sake! We were born in the 80s - not your eighties; the 1980s! -SS)
I mean three things by that:
The rate of technological and cultural change has accelerated and is going to keep accelerating. The rate of change we've seen in the last 20 years is far more than in the 1990s and 1980s. This is simply because of Moore's Law, that technology will perpetually grow exponentially more powerful and cheaper as new innovations keep building on the previous ones. So for me to look backwards 20 years, is to see much more massive levels of change, happening more quickly, than someone looking back 20 years at any other time previously. That means the process that old people go through gradually of seeing change? That has accelerated for those of us today.
I've come to suspect that a key factor in aging and maturing is experiencing and confronting evil. The mediascape has changed so much in the last 20 years that we now have much less of an ability to shield ourselves from deeply evil news and ideas. And this was turbo-charged for me over the last 15 years, being "terminally online" in my jobs as blogger, researcher, editor, journalist, and general troublemaker. I think most people are generally terrible (Editor’s Note: Present company excepted, I hasten to add!) and that the world is filled with evil spirits causing misery and suffering. You're not supposed to realize this when you're not even middle-aged! Younger people are supposed to be more upbeat and fuckin’ naïve!
As with the actual old folk, I have come to see greater the value in the culture and technology of ages past. I think we need to go further back in time and rescue some of the old ideas and old culture and reinvent them today—that’s what “renaissance” means, and we can do it again whenever we want. In particular, honestly, I've come to suspect that World War II and the subsequent cultural dominance of television in the 1950s really fucked us in all sorts of ways. So the first four decades of the 20th century seem of particular value to explore in the culture they produced. We need to really come to understand what was lost with World War II, and how we can get it back.
And for me personally, the way I'm going to get it back is with Sally Shideler, soon to become Sally Swindle, at my side. History has come alive with her in my life. I have grown so excited to explore what mysteries of the past and the future we can uncover together.
What will we find this week as we head north to explore more of California? We'll let you know ...
The very best to both of you.
As always appreciate your insights.
Also glad for the thriving in your relationship. All good news in these times is so welcome. Wishing you both many blessings on your journey.