My 4 Favorite Signal Group Chats for Acquiring Government Secrets
Let me know if you need an invite to one of these.
Well, The Atlantic’s Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg has really fucked up. He may well have ruined this for the rest of us. What on earth possessed him to reveal for the world the fact that government officials use Signal to share classified information with journalists? Surely he knew better.
Well, now that the secret's out, I suppose I may as well come clean too. For years now, I've been on dozens of secret government Signal group chats. Here are four that I've decided to let you all know about:
1. Operation Hairy Banana
This chat is used to keep track of the multiple Bigfoot cyborgs roaming in the Northwest. This is a military program launched in the 1970s. Initially the Bigfoots were to operate as defenders of regions which included black sites with illegal bioweapon experimentation. However, the Bigfoots developed sentience and super intelligence. A treaty has been negotiated between them (numbering 25 Bigfoots, total, across Canada and the North West) and the North American governments. The Bigfoots provide original intelligence and innovative analysis which they then provide to those of us on this group chat. They're very responsive to questions too, often better than ChatGPT.
2. Pooh Bear's HoneyPots
This CIA-organized chat provides updates on more than 10,000 of the Russian FSB's prostitution agents who work to acquire incriminating sexual blackmail on mostly men (but some women too). In this chat we learn when various men have been targeted and the agent's progress in seducing him or her. This is especially useful for those of us tracking Russian influence efforts since we can see the process wherein someone is ensnared in a honey trap operation and then very quickly begins spewing Kremlin talking points and pivoting with each new disinformation campaign.
3. Founders Fraternization
Some of the group chats cross time boundaries. You see, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and many of the other founders had smartphones. Much of the success of the Revolution and the early governments is because the founders were receiving tips from those of us on the group chat. Sometimes we'll even take photos from history books and share them on the chat so that Adams or Benjamin Franklin can simply know what they ended up doing and then what happened as a result.
Other times people in the group chat will try and argue that the founder should do something other than what is in the history books. Occasionally they will succeed and then the world will transform and the history book in my hand will be rewritten before my very eyes. Glad to see this Louisiana Purchase thing worked out so well. I was on the winning side of that debate apparently.
4. Keeping the Peace with the Demons
The U.S. Government has had a treaty negotiated with the confederation of earth-bound demons since 1819. We are the only country on the planet which has managed to negotiate successfully with Asmodeus who handles the diplomacy of Hell.
And part of that agreement involves intelligence sharing. On the "hot line" various demons running wild will regularly report in on their plans and the aftermaths of their malevolent misadventures in human misery. Now these guys aren't to be trusted of course and they do lie from time to time but most of the time what they put out is genuine because they want to sort of brag about it or take credit.
Really, some of the biggest journalistic scoops every year almost certainly come from the hot line, it's a top tip-off for journalists looking to write about major crimes and natural disasters. Right now multiple demons are claiming credit for making these officials do something as stupid as talk war plans over Signal. The one who has been digging his fangs into Pete Hegseth for decades is especially proud of himself.
So seriously: if Goldberg’s stories throw off my and other illuminated writers’ networks of hidden sources then that is going to just be infinitely irritating. To heck with the bigger question of national security and the lives of our troops in a war zone, what's most personally inconvenient to me is what matters most. That's the American way, as made abundantly clear by our Vice President, Defense Secretary, and the entire nest of vipers in the executive branch.
Indeed, we are governed by a whole lot of terrible, amoral, incompetent people. And from what the demons have been speaking up about on the “hot line,” it’s only going to get even worse. They have a whole lot planned. This is just the warm-up.
Good points David!