A Dog President Offers Advice to a Human President
Our puppy Jasmine provides her political wisdom to an administration run astray.
We haven’t done one of these dog-to-human translation articles in some time and Jasmine has been eager to sound off on something or another, so here I am, sitting at the laptop with this new keyboard that I bought the other day, preparing to ask questions to our dog which
will then translate.“Sound good, kiddo?” Sally asks Jasmine.
“What did she say?” I ask.
Jasmine responds, “Yes, I can do this. And Daddy ask me questions and I start answer or am I just start talking?”
So Jasmine, tell us about the office of “Dog President.” What’s this all about? All streets in the world have a dog which is the president of the street? This sounds ridiculous.
“It is not dick-ulous. It is important. Dog president is in charge of all the puppies on the street. So yes there have to be one. And on our street this president is me.”
Why did you choose to be the dog president?
“Because old president was retire from job and other puppies said next president should be younger and I was only two so that was pretty young and I thought ‘I will be good at this’ because my puppy Daddy, Daddy Kojack, was also president of our street one time in 29 Palm.”
And what did your puppy daddy do as president of that street?
“Mostly his job was explain what is going on and try to keep puppies calm and safe. So if it is too hot to be outside or if there is loose puppy or someone doing a crime or maybe a scary weather he will be telling everyone what to do to be OK. Also if any weird noises or smell.”
So the primary job of a dog president is to try and keep the other dogs calm?
“Yes, calm and safe. A lot of time I just listen to them say about something they think is wrong and tell them that they actually are OK. Or I will help if I can. But you have to explain why things happen so that mean you have to know a lot.”
Sally asks “So how come you know so much?
“Because I can talk and I ask so many question and am always learn something especially about people world because if something happen in neighborhood or on street probably it is something people do and puppies not always understand what people do and why.”
So Jasmine, who are your various puppy friends and constituents on your street who you deal with? Let’s get the cast of characters.
“Some of them I know their name but puppies usually use smell instead of word for name…. Oh! I also forgot to say also it is more polite to say ‘puppy’ than ‘dog.’”
Sally then asks, “So who are your main friends?”
“Well there is old president. And he maybe leave me alone or else he give too many opinion about what I am doing so that is good and bad. And then there is Charlie who is vice president and my favorite puppy. Then there is Jackson and Eddie and Bailey and the other one with name I don’t know, also black puppy across the street and small puppy across the street and then, of course, there is Pookie — let’s put his name as Pookie instead of ‘Poopie’ because this is not a good name for a puppy.”
“And then there are puppies on different street, I am not their president but they talk to us. And King and Princess who my mommy said are bulldogs and Princess just had eight babies. All at the same time. And that is all the puppies I can think of.”
And tell us about aren’t some of these puppies a little mean to you sometimes even though you are their president?
“Only Jackson is mean. She will lie like I say her that my mommy and daddy took me to the beach and it was so fun and she is say that there is no beach and I made it up and I am lying but really she is and old president not exactly mean but criticize sometimes and I am tell him ‘do you want old job back or what?’ and he always say ‘no’ so I say ‘you can be quiet now, please.’”
Sally asks “OK, so, do you have any thoughts about the current president of the country? Do you remember his name?”
Jasmine: “Yes, Donald Dump.”
Sally says “Well, that’s almost right.”
“Usually I am just call him ‘the bad president.’ Because it seem like he have had this job already four years and he not know how to do it still.”
Sally asks “Would you give him any advice for how he can do a better job?”
“Well my mommy and daddy told me there is this thing that says all the laws of the country, coni-tu-tion, so I think maybe he should sit and read it and this will tell him the stuffs he can and cannot do because I think he is confuse about what he can do it sound more like he is try to be king than president but in America we not do that.”
So Jasmine, since they have kings in other countries does that mean that maybe in other countries they have dog kings instead?
“Yes, that will make sense. But America does not go like this and even he throw himself parade party for his birthday and birthday of army. This is not something a president should do. If president is going to have big party he should invite all of his people and try to make them like him.”
So Jasmine, you mentioned that the President needs to read the Constitution, does the dog politics world have a constitution? Are your powers as president limited? Or can you do the same things as if you were a queen?
“Well, puppies cannot write so no there is not book but yes we have rules. I cannot do something that every puppy will hate. I can do something that is not popular if I think it need to happen but if every other puppy says ‘no’ I have to try again. Like, if I say ‘well, it is too hot now and all puppies be inside until dinner time’ puppies will tell me ‘no, this is not good.’ And actually, even if all puppies except one are agree with me then because one not agree I have to make new suggestion. Also I cannot make the other puppies work for me. Like, if I ask next door puppies to dig hole under fence so that I can go over there and play with them this cannot happen because they are doing work for me.”
Sally interjects: “And because we would never allow that, Jasmine. Come on.”
“Or any example. I cannot make other puppies give me their snack, if they have snack and I want it, I am not allowed to ask them for it or say ‘you have to give me yours.’ I just get my own snack.”
Sally says “Well, that’s good. I’m glad you’re not running around bullying the other dogs.”
“And if they have a fun idea that I know would be bad I have to say ‘yes, this will be fun but we cannot do.’ Like sometimes, they think about what if every puppy can escape their yard and go play with the wild puppies [coyotes] and run around with them all day and see what they do. This would be so fun but I know it is dangerous so I cannot let them do dangerous thing. And a lot of time they are annoy because I will not let them but it is my job.”
Sally asks “so what are some tips you would give President Trump?”
“Because I watch news every day and have my parents explain me so first I will tell him, you are supposed to live at your president house, this is White House, you are not supposed to go live in Florida house whenever you feel like.”
Sally says “OK, that’s a good one. Any others?”
“You cannot let them give you this airplane. It is too much money and too complicate and don’t you wonder why they don’t want it?”
Sally: “Come here, kiddo. We’re still doing interview, sit down.”
Hold on, just a second, I need to smoke some weed. Just a moment. [Gets up, grinds weed, packs bowl, smokes, walks back to laptop. Cough, cough, cough.]
OK Jasmine, let’s continue now.
“What is question?”
One of the things that people presidents can do is send out the military to fight other countries or even to fight Americans as Donald Trump has done in Los Angeles. What do you think of Dog warfare? Do you as dog president ever have to defend the street or attack another?
“I think it is long time since puppies had to fight but even when we know that it is fine our instinct is defend family from intruder like delivery person or person selling stuffs so if you come to house it is very hard not to just bark and bark at you like you’re a bad guy but I do not know what I would do if I thought I have to organize puppies to fight something. I guess if there were a bunch of bad guys. But I think some puppies in other country do still do this. Like in Africa there is an Africa dog and it lives in big group and it is wild and whole group will fight sometimes.”
Sally: “OK, yeah. African wild dogs.”
“Maybe if bad guys like ice cream guys come to our neighborhood and want to take people away then I will have all the puppies fight and bite the ice cream guys in the butt.”
Sally says, “We can put in a little editorial note in there that she meant ICE. I would prevent her from fighting an actual ice cream man. Ice cream trucks are sacred.”
OK, so should we wrap this up now?
Sally asks “Do you have any last tip for President Trump?”
“Just be nice. It is not hard to be nice. And when you are nice your people want to help you or your puppies even I am know that.”
