2:30 AM - Reasons You're Still Up
Check all that apply
✅ Morbidly fascinated with “Death by coconut” Wikipedia page
✅ Busy researching history of Thousand Island dressing, evaluating competing claims
✅ Already woke up once in great distress because one pant leg was bunched up higher than other
✅ Looking for more places can casually post long-planned pun about President Joe “Biden his time” in office
✅ If can stay awake until damaged arm stops hurting, will *checks notes* "win," it says??
✅ Trying to find LinkedIn page of ex with one of most common names in world
✅ Breathlessly following updates regarding a woman in Mojave Desert Facebook group trying to identify unknown man in 48-year-old photo who once lived in unknown town in either California or Arizona (Success! Damn! World completely amazing)
✅ Tried to lie down again, but blankets proved too ... loud?? somehow??
✅ Fruitlessly coaxing dog to understand and respond to commands in German, frightening her with sounds more guttural than her own suspicious growling, then having to reassure her am still same nice lady who gives treats
✅ Launching 27th attempt to locate ex-stepmother on social media
✅ Gripped by disarming witticism of proto-music video of Styx song “Too Much Time On My Hands” (ironic)
✅ Worried that, if lie down when not yet fully exhausted, will end up imagining worms again
✅ Laboriously researching joke did not understand earlier, thereby removing any trace of humor at all and essentially rendering joke un-gettable
❌ Am making progress on work
Take your Adderall, kids … and then follow it up with some nice Unisom!
